Lust Sin Deceit

Days Go By

2011-12-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Ciaa at Deviant Art.

Where does time go? Growing up it seemed as though one year took forever to come by. As a little girl, I was always excited about school starting and then I was excited for school to end for summer vacation. Now, as an adult that same year literally disappears quicker than we can recall what happened. Life definitely catches up to you in the real world. Work, family, friends, relationships, self... I never knew that there was such a balancing act. You can never balance one without neglecting another. This is what I have learned in the last year.

The saying is true, that there is never enough hours in the day to do everything. When will I ever have the time to travel and see the world? When will I have time to see my friend? When will I have time to contemplate the bigger things in the world? What about the small things? When will I ever be able to perfect my craft or talents? When can I learn to do those things that I have always wanted to learn? You cannot plan for these things. This is what I have come to realize. I have come to realize that plans (no matter how detailed) may never be effective. I think the only thing that you can do is to actually DO them.

Don't tell yourself you will do it tomorrow. What are you doing RIGHT now? Do it NOW instead. This is going to be my mantra for the New Year. Plans don't work, self-help books don't work, therapy, good advice..none of these will work unless we actually take action to DO them..and with this I am going to leap into the new year. What will come of it? We will have to wait and see. ..

You Lost Me

2011-07-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the way, you lost me. There is a reason for everything. I no longer see the reason. There never was one. What I saw.. or thought I saw was a lie. A fabrication knitted from a web of insecurities and for conveniences sake. It was all a lie.

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

I Always Knew..

2011-07-02T08:22:00.001-07:00

Image credits to Sam Weber.

What you don't know won't hurt you. Is this really true? From the beginning I wasn't going into it naively. I wasn't going into it blind. I knew how this world worked. Nothing -- no one is a for sure thing. Words spoken can't be believed -- couldn't be believed. My walls were up. I was cautious. I always knew. Yet, somehow, little by little I started to believe. Minds and thoughts can't be read. Even one's own mind could not be deciphered accurately. I have tried and I still do not understand.

At one point my doubts had been stomped out and a fragile ladder was thrown over to let you climb in. It could break at any moment. Still, somehow you made it over. I was curious of your sincerity. It was never 100%, but it was honest.. at least I had thought so. Was it wrong for me to have? I will be honest. I have grown bitter with each day that passes. You can't stand in the sunlight forever, you can't feel the warmth forever.. maybe it had all been my imagining. My world beyond the walls are dark.. . from the exterior I'm a simple being. I look happy, I look content, I seem indifferent most days..

Maybe I had only been seeing things in the way I had wanted to see them. I was telling myself a story, a story that isn't real. Playing a part that I always wanted to act. I never had you.. and I always said no one would have me, fully.. and yet somehow it feels as if I had given every bit of what was me unto you. The size of me is not large, in fact, I fit snugly in the size of your palm. There may not seem to be much there, but there is depth. The further you wander within, the more you take your time to reflect on the details.. you will be appreciative, you will be intrigued. Some have the patience, the stomach for me. Most do not, many pretend.. you eventually fell into the later category. ..

I am far from a simple minded person. My insides are twisted in every which way and it would take more than a lifetime to navigate through. I will never fully understand you and you will never fully understand me. It is your turn to be honest with me now. You cannot say that I give you these things, when I have not.. and it shows. Maybe I should be pleased that you pretended, at least you tried, in a way. Please do not flatter me with words that are naked and have no meaning. I don't want to hear it. Just tell me how it is. Should I have not let my curiosity arise within me? Should I have just taken everything as you had said so? I would not hurt this way if that were so, but it is better that I now know the extent of your sincerity. Your truths. It is possible, the level of sincerity has matured since the beginning, but I cannot believe. Not anymore. I'm not sure I know how. But now that I know, I will know better next time.. if ever there will be one.

Phenomenal Woman

2011-06-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellow stands or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally woman,
That's me.

MAYA ANGELOU

You Think You Know Me?

2011-06-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

"What does that mean know me, know me, nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me. "

BRET EASTON ELLIS

I d a r e you to say that again.. ... . it hurts.

Love.. an Open-Ended Topic

2010-12-22T17:27:00.000-08:00

Watch the video..

Love is mysterious, love changes things and I think that is the reason why it is a topic that is always pondered upon. A topic that remains open for discussion. Love is in everything. It is most often what every soul lingers on earth for and longs to find, no matter how hard one denies it. In the past I often expressed my hardness and distaste to the thoughts of love and being in love. I often equated it as being a sort of game whom one would get to claim a 'prize.' Love was a drug, it was venomous.. it was poison. I had heard that love was a sort of madness. A state of insanity. All of the above named are true. Love does many things, good and bad. I've made observations when I stood solo with no one to fill the space in my heart, and I have made observations, more recently with having someone consume the most vulnerable part of the human.

Love is not a perfect thing. I have known this forever. Marriage is not a perfect thing, and does not guarantee a happily ever after. Everything of what love is portrayed in cinema is not real. Love in that sense and meaning have been glamorized and glossed over countless times. The endings often used to conclude the story were presumed to be final. They would ride off into the sunset and that was it.. living in the utmost happiness and love. The truth though, may be that the happiness wore away and the love eventually died. Love does not remain constant, as the quote in my post below has stated. Nothing ever really remains constant, as I have mentioned before...

Love is a whole complication on its own. It is something that can bring at the same time so much warmth yet bring upon such coldness and hurt. Love makes us weak. Love makes us strong. Love is a main component to life. It serves to teach, but at what point do you give in to love? At what point do you walk away? Sometimes you know at the very exact moment when love is real, other times that love needs to be reaffirmed. How can love be proven if it is not a tangible thing? Perhaps in the kiss, touch, caress or that look of never-ending wonderment in examining the imperfect features of the one in question.. and somehow always finding them to be beautiful. Perhaps it is in the actions, in the little things that one does or the things that have no significance to yourself but mean so much to that one person. Love is not perfect. As we have all heard, it is compromise, sacrifice and the ability to bend ourselves in all sorts of directions. But at times love is not enough, sometimes love is never enough. . . . What will make you stay? What will make you go?

"I'm through with love
I'll never fall again
Said adieu to love
Don't ever call again
For I must have you or no one
That's why I'm through with love

I've locked my heart
I keep my feelings there
I have stocked my heart
Like an icy Frigadere
For I need to care for no one
That's why I'm through with love

Why did you lead me
To think that you cared
You didn't need me
For you have your share
Of slaves around you
To hound you and swear
Their deep devotion
Emotion

Goodbye to Spring
And all it meant to me
It could never bring
The things that used to be
For I must have you or no one
That's why I'm through with love

That's why I'm through with love... "

Ebb and Flow of Life.. of Love.. of Relationships

2010-12-17T15:09:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Cade Martin at One Eyeland.

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern."

ANNE LINDBERG

I can't for the life of me remember where I read this, but there is nothing but truth in these words.
You can love someone but you certainly can't love them all the time.

Fallen Heart Feeling

2010-11-29T22:24:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Timothy Gonzalez.

"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice"

CHUCK PALAHNIUK

Busy ..Busy Bee

2010-11-29T22:15:00.000-08:00

I've been soo caught up in between studying for school, projects and writing licensing exams for work that I have been neglecting my blog, social life any many a sort of other things. I promise I will try to keep on top of this once again.. after all it is a connection to myself and my innermost thoughts in the never ending quest to discover the person that is me.

Grandma

2010-10-31T16:33:00.001-07:00

Photos of my grandparents when they were younger.

It has been one whole year since my grandmother passed away and in that short period of time so much has changed. No matter what...you will always have that feeling that there was more that you could have, more that you should have done, but in reality it seems as though this epiphany never seems to cross your mind or motivate you to take action until you finally realize that you can't or that it is now too late.

In the recent years I never spent much time with my Grandma, but when I was younger she practically raised me when my parents worked to make a better life for my siblings and I. When my mom went back to work after having me she often left me for the week with my grandmother and would then come get me on the weekend. My mom always said that I would never want to leave my grandma because I had spent so much time with her, so much so that I didn't even want to be held by my own mother.

Losing my grandmother has made me realize some of the importance in prioritizing the things in my life and has also prompted me to look further into my family history. My family, as with so many others have traveled from far off places to be where we are today and in between is often rich history, traditions and things that we would often not know of. I would love to embark on a project somewhere along the lines of a family tree/history book. This would be something I would love to have within the family and passed on from generation to generation. These memories and legacies have to be preserved. Now I know more than ever that knowing where you come from, knowing what a part of you is is something that cannot be overlooked. Knowing this will lead to a better understanding of what you are and oddly enough a sense of pride which I've only now come to appreciate.

Grandpa and Grandma at a Wedding 10+ years ago..

Grandma's resting place at the Queen's Park Cemetary.

Suspended in the air of Opportunity

2010-10-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Tim Griffith at One Eyeland.

Last Friday I finally got the chance to get to know my boss a little bit better. If you don't know, I'm currently working at an investment firm as part of my final year of school. In our investment team there are three people: the investment advisor, the associate investment advisor, and myself the sales assistant. We had a good chance to sort of get into a little bit of detail into our backgrounds because the day was slower than usual (as it was leading into the Thanksgiving long weekend for us Canadians). We talked about how he started in the industry, which sorts of roles he had walked into and then he asked me where I wanted to be and what sorts of things I wanted to do. I told him that I wasn't too sure what I saw myself doing and explained to him that there was so much opportunity, too many choices and how it was impossible to see/experience everything.

He responded by saying that I definitely should get out and try everything and explained to me how he had changed jobs every two years once he got out of school. I guess I always knew that the only way to definitely know where you want to be is to experience change and live through it yourself, but I did feel oddly comforted by his words of advice. It was a nice little chat..

One statement that stuck with me through our conversation was his explanation of three types of advisors out there. There are:

1. The ones that will tell you what has happened.
2. The ones that will tell you what is happening now...and
3. The ones that will tell you what is going to happen.

This came out when I asked of his ability to sort through all the research/information to come out on top with the strategies that he decides to implement. (Believe me, there is A LOT of research to go through). He instinctively stated that as long as you know what is happening now and a little bit of what is going to come..then you'll be alright. ..I guess this statement ingrained itself to my memory because it sort of applies to life in general as well.. You don't have to know where you're going to end up, as long as you are aware of what is happening now and what you're going to be doing not too far in the future you'll be okay. No one is for certain a fortune teller and so life should be taken and lived in as it gradually comes, in segments. I guess that's what it means when they say "the next chapter...(in life)."

Vanity

2010-10-10T09:51:00.001-07:00

Picture overload.. .please don't think I'm THAT vain. :)

Just getting around to cleaning up my computer and got to reminiscing with some oldish/somewhat newish pictures. I wanted to see if I had changed a lot in my physical appearances/personality and decided I might as well share the pictures. For the most part, I believe the pictures are in chronological order and were of the last five or so years.

The first time I really went for a dramatic colour.

Playing with photography. ..

Purple starting to fade..

Went back to red.. then cut my hair short, went blonde streak (not pictured) and back to purple.

The first time I had extensions here.. was sick of the shorter length.
I don't think I'll ever do extensions again though..

Halloween night 2009, it wasn't very memorable for me..
I ended up throwing up my guts and my grandmother
actually passed away that night a little after midnight..
I was a horrible mess the next morning. I have the
greatest girlfriends ♥ever but they should have sent me home.

The only picture I have with my bf.. we weren't 'dating' then..
long story. I'm sad that we have been together officially for practically
one year and I don't have any other photos of us together.
He would probably kill me if he saw that I posted this. He looks
really good though, can't say so for myself.I hear some people
say we look alike. What do you think?

Early 2010ish.

Summer 2010ish.. went for a 'lighter'
more 'natural' colour while trying out the curlyish hair.
I am now back to a darker colour.. but am considering a wavyish perm.. not too sure though.

In Secret

2010-10-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

Insignificance

2010-10-07T17:36:00.000-07:00

No One's Going To Love You More Than I Do

2010-09-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't taken any new pictures in a while.. soo instead I'll share a song that I'm currently diggin'. I'm really lovin' the video too.. its mysterious how something at some point can feel so right in place and another point not so much.

"It's looking like a limb torn off
Or all together just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It's a better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do..."

Indications of Her Character

2010-09-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Camilla Akrans. (Photo of Sasha Pivovarova for Vogue).

"To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed by he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one's else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare to approach her for fear of destroying the spell."

GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ

A Taste.. No More

2010-09-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Winkler Noah at One Eyeland.

"You tasted it. Isn't that enough? Of what do you ever get more than a taste? That's all we're given in life, that's all we're given of life. A taste. There is no more."

PHILIP ROTH

In a Daze of Wonderment

2010-09-12T08:53:00.001-07:00

Image credits to Krista Huot.

Sometimes the mind wanders, and when it does all sorts of things cumulate about. I have no absolute regrets in the things that have lead me this far in life, but sometimes we all can't help to think about those "what if" moments. Making decisions is a huge contributor to life and of living. Everyday we make a choice and decide what our next moves are. We decide what time to wake up, what time to go to bed, when we should stay up, what we should eat, what we should wear, how to do our hair, who we should call, who to include in your inner circle of friends and who to stray a little further away from.

All decisions that we have made are reflected in the way we think and how we view our external environment. What if we had never loved this person? What if we chose to go about the problem this way instead? Some may argue that whichever choice you decide upon, it will still eventually lead you to become the person that you are today, but I disagree. Sure, some parts of our personality and psychology may be made up of genetics but I think every different experience, every different decision, and every different outcome contributes something and changes something equally different in all of us.

There is so much to see and do, but we as human beings are limited to what we can do due to time constraints, individual talents, abilities, knowledge, weaknesses or strengths. Because of this we look to learn from others, from what they share with us through knowledge, speech, art or writing. But I think this limits us as well when we become so immersed by the opinions and lives of others. At some point you can only learn so much. Your life should not be filled with what others lives are composed of. Your life should be something you can call yours and yours only. It should be made up of the different components that make you..well, you. When you've come to the realization that there is only so much you can soak up and take in from others it's time to take action and do things for yourself, to find adventures of your own, to start living your own life.

Cannot Love the Same

2010-09-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Hung Ng at One Eyeland.

"Each relationship between two persons is absolutely unique. That is why you cannot love two people the same. It simply is not possible. You love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you."

WILLIAM P. YOUNG

Money.

2010-09-06T08:47:00.001-07:00

Image credits to JoeTaravella at Flickr.

Four weeks into my new job and I still love it. I had written a post about my first day, but it seemed like it was from so long ago that it wasn't worth posting. There's still definitely a lot to learn. I'm really happy that I'm finally gaining real life experiences in learning the processes and techniques that my investment advisors use when dealing with clients. Things are definitely a lot different than from learning it in the classroom.

Earlier in spring I had written the Canadian Securities Course which gives me the license to sell mutual funds, stocks, bonds.. all sorts of financial instruments but there is a second component to getting fully licensed, it's more of an 'ethics/code of conduct' based course which is a huge thing in the finance industry. I'm currently in the process of studying for that right now and it's not so much fun. It's not that the material is hard, it's just really not that interesting to read.

Anyways, this being my final year of school, my thoughts have been consumed with paying back my student loans. I decided not to take out student loans for this year, so all tuition is coming out of my own pocket (so I won't have to worry about that). I've always kept track of amounts that I owed and living at home definitely helps in the savings department. As of right now I have just about enough saved to cover all of my student loans, but that will leave me with little to no savings. The urge to spend money is sort of killing me right now. Of course you have to spend money on necessities like gas, insurance, cell phone bills, other bills, gym memberships and groceries but sometimes you find it hard to save when you want to buy new pieces for the work wardrobe or new accessories to spice up your existing wardrobe.. this has been my main concern. I've always been a keen saver and have never spent an entire pay-cheque on anything.

I went to the mall the other day with my mom and found a couple of things I would have liked to own, but resisted the temptation to spend. I own a decent size wardrobe, so I don't quite need to expand it and so should be happy with it (even though most of what I own is black). I need to somehow fall in love again and come up with new ideas to mix and match outfits with what I already own. I really am going to be scrimping for the next couple of months in order to stay ahead, it would be really nice to still have a little bit of a 'cushion' after I've repaid all my student loans and am debt free until I can afford to put a generous down payment on my first place with a decent mortgage. :) That would be the next step in life.

My rack of 'work' clothes.

My closet of 'going out/casual' stuff. My closet is too small, seriously!

Some of the necklaces that I own. I haven't accessorized with necklaces in a long time.
I'm trying to get back into incorporating them into outfits.

The collection of my rings. I used to be obsessed with collecting rings.

And below is what I decided to wear and do my make-up for the day.
I had to get a couple of pictures with Russ in.

I Hate You So Much Right Now.

2010-09-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

That song by Kelis is stuck in my head. My outfit is somewhat inspired by the words of that song. If you don't know the song, it's extremely vulgar and it goes a little something like this:

"Last year, Valentine’s day, you would spoil me, say
"Babe, I love you, love you babe I swear"
Held you when you were sick even’ (sucked your dick)
The whole time I think to myself, this isn’t fair

What is this I see (No)
You don’t come home to me (Oh, no)
When you don’t come home to me (Man)
Can’t deal, can’t bear

You keep tellin’ me lies
But to your surprise
Look, I found her red coat
And your (bitch) caught out there

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Ahh..."

It's a good, no GREAT song.
I want to bake a chocolate cake.

And just soo I don't look like a complete bitch.. I'm sort of smiling in these two.

There's No Use...

2010-09-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Christopher Wilson at One Eyeland.

" 'Now you see,' said the turtle, drifting back into the pond, 'why it is useless to cry. Your tears do not wash away your sorrows. They feed someone else's joy. And that is why you must learn to swallow your own tears.' "

AMY TAN

Coco's Dream Wedding

2010-08-29T17:00:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with Coco's wedding and am so glad that she shared her wedding videos with us. She looks stunning. Watching the videos literally made my eyes water. The dress, the makeup, the location and the atmosphere was absolutely breath taking.You really can feel the strength of Coco and Jame's love.. not only in the promises they made to each other, but also with their two families coming together. That sort of thing is absolutely what little girls' dreams are made of.. a magical world of love.

Please visit Coco's blog at http://ohsococo.blogspot.com and watch a longer version of the wedding video. The cinematography is absolutely gorgeous and classy, but not only that.. my favourite part I think is hearing the interviews about their love story and the vows that they make to one another.

Not to be in a mushy, girly mood.. but I am a girl and I do have the right to feel this way.

It must be the most amazing feeling to be able to experience somthing like that, to be able to share your life with someone who loves you in that way and knowing that they really care. A year ago I was cynical of 'love'.. and I still am to an extent, but now that I have found myself in a relationship my eyes have definitely been opened to a different kind of world. ..

Mom is Always Right..

2010-08-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Stella Im Hultberg.

"If you can pick it up, you can leave it behind."

MOM

My mom told me these wise words regarding the events that our crazy lives bring us and it's true. All your friends, loves, the things that lift us up and the things that break us down..we can all set them down and keep moving forward. She said all the petty things won't matter, we shouldn't take them with us; there are no reasons why they should cause us pain, tears and suffering. People won't last forever. Promises are only words. The only thing you bring in death is yourself.. you can't take things with you.

All those famous memento mori's puts further emphasis upon my mother's words. (*Memento mori is a latin phrase that translates into "remember your mortality" or "remember you will die") The term is used for art works that serve as a reminder of mortality. Most of them depict material objects, books, images of mirrors which repressents beauty, none of these we can take with us. We leave them all behind.

Image credits to Stella Im Hultberg.

Image credits to Hans Memling.

Image credits to William M Harnett.

Happy 23 to Me!

2010-08-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

This was the wonderful birthday cake that my mom get me. It was soo pretty, can't really say I cared too much for the mango mousse flavouring though. Honestly, I think I would have preferred a regular cake with pieces of fruit on it. Those are soo yumm! I didn't really do too much the day of my birthday (August 21, 2010). I sort of wanted to have a low-key, intimate birthday dinner thing. All the other years dinner was followed by drinking and dancing at the clubs. I thought about doing the club thing after for my birthday this year, but realized that I didn't have enough energy for that and neither did anyone else that night.

I haven't been too fond of the clubbing scene over the last year, it's definitely not as fun as it used to be when we were 18! It must be the growing up thing...I enjoy more of getting all dressed up to enjoy time well spent with company that mean something to me more than getting dressed up just to be seen. :) Don't you agree? Either way this birthday was wonderful, even though it ended rather early (10:30pm) to be exact. I went home afterwards to cuddle up with a book in bed.. I must be getting really old. A lot of people hate turning a year older, and maybe I'm just crazy but I always look forward to getting older. With age comes experience and transitions to other stages in life.

Now to follow, just a couple of picture from the night. Dinner was at this new italian restaurant by the airport called Pacini's. Dinner was attended by a group of my closest girls. <3.>

Alannah, Joanna, myself and Kat.

Jeri, myself, Kat, Pia and Dawn.

Myself, Kat and her bf Mike.

Cream Puffs.

Another group one, we had sangria...yum.

LOL at the view outside.. really industrial-ish, but it IS by the airport.

Boyfriends are horrible photographers.. (NOT my boyfriend because he wasn't there that night, I wonder if he would take better pictures?) LOL..the evidence is in the following two pictures. #1 isn't soo bad, but it would have been lovely if we could see our legs+shoes. #2 is really horrible too much surroundings and not close enough! :S

Boyfriend didn't want to come to my birthday. :( But he did give me a birthday card, a birthday cake that he ate to himself.. and this cute little doggy name Russ.

Water

2010-08-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Jeannette Woitzik at One Eyeland.

"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be."

ROBERT FULGHUM

My New Look.

2010-08-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

I got my hair cut and coloured back to a darker shade yesterday. I admit that it does make me look a lot younger when I am not wearing any make-up or wearing more casual wear. But with darker hair I can play with bolder coloured lipsticks again and perhaps try again to incorporate more coloured clothing into my wardrobe. That has always been an on-going goal, but somehow I always end up back in black. Black is always so elegant and so versatile.

The Components of Happiness

2010-08-04T14:07:00.001-07:00

Image credits to Princess of Shadows on Deviant Art.

According to The Happiness Project and Gretchen Rubin's research the level of a person's happiness is derived: 50% from genetics, 10-20% from age, life circumstances, gender, ethnicity, marital status, income, health, occupation and religious affiliation and the remaining percentage is determined by how a person thinks and acts.

I had always known that a person's personality, outlook and disposition as well as life circumstances were a major source to someone's happiness, but I had never thought genetics to play such a big role. While reading this book I've tried to reflect on my current feelings and if in fact I was truly happy. Being content or satisfied was definitely not being happy in my books. This also led me to question whether or not being happy was about being happy all the time or if being happy meant that there was a sense of meaning in your life filled with temporary moments of turmoil and disorder yet still at the end of the day you still have that sense of meaning and attachment to the life that you call your own. What are your thoughts? Sometimes I think we forget about how fortunate we are because we grow accustomed to the luxuries and comforts of what we presently have.

For me personally I've always stayed safely inside my comfort zone and never really challenged myself..until this year that is. According to the book and to common sense growth brings us happiness and being challenged will make us grow. Trying new things will make us grow. Even as a child I was very aware of the image of myself that I portrayed to other people, I often used that to my advantage. I also knew that I hated looking stupid and failing would make me look stupid or silly so in that sense my handicap was being afraid to try because if I failed I would look silly. I did not want to be pointed and laughed at. But I've come to realization that I cannot become the remarkable, extraordinary being that I wish to be if I am afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid to express my true opinions..in this way this blog is an extension of myself and is helping me shape the real me that I can finally show to the world.

If You Forget Me

2010-08-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Visualize.Us.

I also have to share with you one my favourites of Pablo Neruda's Poems :

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing

You know how this is:
If I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail
toward those aisles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

New Reads

2010-08-03T13:31:00.001-07:00

I picked up some new books while I was at Chapters with my sister and my cousin yesterday as rain and some mild thunder and lightning ensued outside. I ended up getting four books: Backwards in High Heels-The Impossible Art of Being Female by Tania Kindersley and Sarah Vine, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, Love Poems by Pablo Neruda and a tiny fun book filled with quotes titled Keep Calm and Carry on-Good Advice for Hard Times.

I immediately read through Pablo Neruda's Love Poems and am now working my way through The Happiness Project, so far it is a fun and interesting read. It's a book that documents the authors one year journey towards finding more happiness, meaning, fulfillment and gratitude for what she already has in life. I'm enjoying this book so far because the writing is simple and I enjoy it particularly more so because it doesn't take a sudden or drastic change for her to realize how great her life really is or for her to make more out of what she already has. It's realistic and relatable.

It Slipped Out

2010-08-02T22:22:00.001-07:00

Image credits to Mats Gustafson.

I had never said the words aloud before; in fact it frightened me so to say it. I had pondered upon what sorts of feelings, emotions and sentiments were behind the meaning of this expression. Some days I thought that I could not possibly feel this way. I denied it to the best that I could. I did not want to feel this way. Being in this state meant that I would be exposed; naked to the very deepest of my insides. Now he would definitely know that I was his. I hadn't meant for those words to make that declaration...but it slipped out unexpectedly, 'I love you.' At that moment I knew I must have meant it, for it to fall from my lips so easily. I don't think he heard, at least that's what I told myself. I tried covering up my words..I'm not sure if that worked, but it's true. I've fallen.

Although we may not be the best suited for each other I enjoy being in his presence. I like the way I feel (for the most part) when I'm around him. I appreciate his bluntness and his utter and complete honesty, even though it hurts sometimes. He doesn't' sugarcoat his words, so when he says something you know he means it. He pushes me to my limits to reach beyond, yet he brings me down again so I am grounded and don't end up with my head too high in the clouds of daydreams that I used to be consumed in. He may not have had the patience for me in the beginning, but he has endured enough up to this point to make me happy. I hope I have been able to do the same.

R ❤

A Secret

2010-08-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Michael Jacobs at One Eyeland.

"I'm going to tell you a secret. Our lives are shaped by the future not by the past. Once you decide how you want your life to be, all you need to do is live into that future."

WENDY MASS

New Adventure and Excitement

2010-07-27T08:18:00.001-07:00

Image credits to Google Images.

Over the past month or so I have gone on several rounds of interviews and second round interviews in hopes of securing a job position in the investment/wealth management sector of the finance industry. Although the process (mainly the waiting period) has been lengthy and the competition is plenty I am relieved and happy to say that I was offered a job.

I had interviewed with two different firms.The first one I was extremely excited about because the location was in the busy core of downtown in a high-rise building on the 14th floor. Who doesn't dream of having a career in the fast-paced world, running into other career-minded individuals? That sort of environment was guaranteed to bring excitement. In the end I received positive feedback from the three different managers I met with, but unfortunately lost out to someone more qualified for the position.

Image credits to Google Images.

The second firm I interviewed with had a different kind of environment, it was not located in a busy area such as downtown but instead was located on a corporate campus close to school. The excitement was definitely not as in your face as it would have been downtown but it did seem to be more suited for learning and growth opportunities. I was interviewed directly by the managers I would be working under and reporting to. Two of the managers I had met with would be the investment team I would be working with on a daily basis. The role that I have is extremely entry level and some would say that it was a waste of my time to have attended post-secondary for 3-4 years to take on this sort of role. But in my opinion education accounts for 1/3 of what it takes to be in the industry the other 1/3 is experience and the last 1/3 is being able to build trust and relationships with your client base. So essentially I've only got 1/3 of what I need to succeed. I am definitely excited to get a taste of what the finance industry really is about and hope that I can absorb all that this new job has to teach me.

I'm really really excited!! So much so that I am contemplating on whether or not I shall purchase a briefcase to carry things around in.

Via Chanel. Of course this one is just for fun..

And..Via Prada.

To Love.. The Human Heart

2010-07-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

Image credits to plectrude at Deviant Art.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

C.S. LEWIS

Chance.

2010-07-16T20:44:00.001-07:00

A picture I took while I was with my sister in Edmonton. We both found it to be true.

+ Some pictures of what I wore a few days ago...excuse the awkward smile and posing.

I do smile crooked.

Gratitude and Revenge

2010-07-10T19:21:00.001-07:00

Image Credits to Princess of Shadows on Deviant Art.

"Men are more ready to repay an injury than a benefit, because gratitude is a burden and revenge a pleasure."

TACITUS

Getting to Where You Want to Be.

2010-07-09T14:18:00.001-07:00

Image credits to Nicoletta Ceccoli.

There is a picture that everyone envisions to become of their life and when the scene falls into place, life would be complete. At times this picture will remain the same. During other times subtle pieces will start to shift, the difference quite unnoticeable until examined upon in closer detail. Over a more drawn out period of time the subtle changes may become more drastic in measure and the picturesque scenery once drawn is now something completely different.

Many of us trudge through life trying to find meaning, the true value to living. Some of us find it easily, others not quite so. I think the picture that we draw of ourselves play a big role in finding this meaning and really understanding the true pleasures and joys of life. The journey is a hard one for everyone and if only the world were more understanding, genuine and generous in its actions would attaining this meaning be more pleasant in experience.

Image credits to Visualize.Us.

Whether it is in the way we choose to live life or in the methods of how we attain this enlightenment something always must be done. Throughout history even the greatest men, icons and legends had to undergo a period of transition where self realization and awareness existed.There is not going to be a certain mark that you can reach and become enlightened by the true meaning of living and of life, but all you can do is practice patience, take what you can from whichever steps you take, whatever the outcome may be and hopefully one day the picture you envisioned will be all that surrounds you.

Just a few bonus pictures of what I wore today.

From A Man

2010-06-20T06:14:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Danny Roberts.

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

-From the Hebrew Talmud
BAVA METZIA 59:A

In the years before us, women were always portrayed as an obedient being that catered to the needs, wants and the lives of men. In more recent decades women are seen as independent beings with free will and complete autonomy to think and act in however a manner they please. Even so with this movement of women to take on roles as equals to men in society, I think there will always be a discrepancy between the two. A woman no matter how she denies it will yearn to be loved by a man and a man no matter how strong and tough he is will always yearn perhaps not for love (as a woman does) but for the touch of a woman. It is therein that the discrepancy lies. A woman looks to be loved. A man may be gifted with love, yet all he really seeks is for the comfort and presence of a woman.

Image credits to Danny Roberts.

A woman will always remain reliant on a man for this need.. for the sense of protection, a sense of being the purpose for a man to live and work and to be the sole receiver of his tender affections. A man can live without his rib, but a rib alone serves no real purpose. Although now, his internal organs may be more vulnerable a man will still have his heart and lungs.

Even those we mark as spinsters or old bachelors ought to have yearned for those exact same things. That need is an instinctual one, a human one. Even those who claim to despise it, loathe it and preach their disbelief for it need it and perhaps they are the ones that need it the most.

Maybe I am writing on a subject that I know absolutely nothing about, but this is how I see it.

I am one of them.

Image credits to Danny Roberts.

The Music From the Corner of My Mind...

2010-06-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Michael Papendieck of Oneeyeland.

There's music floating in from the corner of my mind. The room is white. Sunlight floods in from the wide open windows. The wind carries a soft breeze and picks up the sheer, linen curtains. Its the sound of piano accompanied by a saxophone and perhaps a gentle trumpet. The sound is jazz. I enter the room and all I feel is heaven. My skin is bare and all I can feel is warmth. My world is only all that surrounds me at this very moment. There is nothing else. My toes stand on their tips. My feet, my shoulders are free of weight. If a sudden gush of wind came rushing in.. I could take off and fly. Instead the breeze lightly runs its fingers through the length of my hair as the sun kisses my face and neck. Like the curtains in the wind.. I begin to dance. Here in this white-washed room. Here, where the music comes from the corner of my mind. ..

Image credits to Visualize.Us.

What Makes Us Who We Are?

2010-06-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Maria Vittoria Benatti.

"If I am what I have, and if I lose what I have, who then am I?"

-German Psychologist

ERICH FROMM

What are the things that define us, that make us the people that we are? Some would say it is in the way we were brought up in life, the experiences we endured and the emotions we associated with those particular experiences. Some would say that you as an individual are not truly just one person, but a collective of bits and pieces of everyone and anyone whom has spent even a mere fraction of a second in your life. Some would say it is the objects, material possessions that you surround yourself with and those that you have prioritized to have the most value of. Others would say it is not how you would live your life today, but how you would live your life tomorrow. Some would say it is the good that you can see in others, when they can see no good in themselves.

What would happen one day if we lost the one fundamental thing that makes us who we are? Would we somehow still be the same person? Or a person with just a hollow shell?

What makes us innate, unique, interesting and appealing to others.. I often find is not so much our similarities, but in our differences. I don't think we can learn much when everyone contains the same multitude of skill and the same depths of knowledge or the same underlying reasons on why we side for or against an issue. We should appreciate differences as they offer us opportunities to learn and to give us more chances to see things in a different take on life.

Crying.. because of you

2010-05-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Visualize.Us.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love."

WASHINGTON IRVING

Bring Me Down a Little..

2010-05-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Mijn Schatje.

Its not like I have an enormous ego. I can fit my head through the door. I'm modest and simple from the outside. But at the same time, I am extremely complicated and conflicted on the inside. I have a back not strong enough to withstand the pressures of society and life itself. I have no strength to carry this weight and I have no confidence to leap into whatever circumstances I may fall into. I'm not brave. Many words spoken to me, hurt. I can't hold back tears. Rarely have people seen me angry. However, I do get angry. I'm sad and people won't know. I play calm because I don't like confrontations, simply because people don't know how to understand. "Seek first to understand and then to be understood." I don't like choosing because it seems selfish. I let others choose. I have opinions, but only after I have thought on all views. I don't particularly enjoy telling others about details of my life. I mumble because I don't really want people to hear, but at times I do want them to listen. I may seem boring and maybe because I really am. I don't give explanations well. I stutter and stumble upon words when in the spotlight. I have the ability to make anything awkward. For me to come this far in life, I think is pure luck. I have ambition, but I lack drive. I fear failure perhaps because I've failed too many times. I don't belong in a life like this, someone more deserving could make something more out of it. I don't like asking for things, and when I do, I only ask for a little. It seems as if I can add no further value nor can I enrich the lives of those I may encounter. ...

The Little Prince

2010-05-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

My neck is feeling a little better after a long, hot shower and some pain killers. I'm telling you that was probably one of the worst experiences ever!.. I've been told I had a high tolerance for pain, but when I told my bf of my situation this morning he seemed to disagree. What a guy!! Anyways, I spent my morning going through various blogs from beginning to end and then I got around to finally reading the The Little Prince written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. My sister bought this book a little while ago and recommend I read it as some parts of the book reminded her of me. The book is a childrens book, but the story is sooo deep that I think every adult should read this book. From my perspective I believe it's a story about life and love. Each small chapter has a simple but important lesson on life and life's experiences.

One of my favourite parts in the book revolves around the little prince and this flower that grew on his literally--small planet:

"At the time, I was unable to understand anything! I should have based my judgement upon deeds and not words. She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me. I should never have run away from her! I should have guessed at the affection behind her poor little tricks. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her."

I'm sure this quote spoke to everyone who has read it.. there is soo much more wisdom within this tiny book, but its hard to explain without giving away more of the story. The story itself is so detailed an intricate that it is best to read it for yourself. You'll like it, I guarantee it.. there are some pictures too, although in black and white in my copy.

Just a quick glimpse of what I wore on another gloomy, snowy day in May. Nothing too special, just keeping myself entertained. :)

5ish in the Morning.

2010-05-05T04:19:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Visualize.Us.

It's about 5:20 am here and I can't sleep! I've actually been up since about 4:30 because of this major neck cramp that I got RIGHT before I was headed to bed. :( It really hurts, but I don't want to get up to make a hot water bottle at this time of day otherwise my parents are going to think I'm crazy. I can barely turn my head so my peripheral vision is extremely compromised. I was thinking about getting out of the house today too ..to run some errands, but I don't think driving is an option when I'm in this sort of condition. Soo not cool.

Instead of Studying.. Let's Play Dress-Up.

2010-05-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

It's snowing outside, in May so I'm pic-whoring like there is no tomorrow.. I wish I could dress like this everyday. I love playing dress-up... Mr. Dressup was my role model.

Bored on an Off-day in May

2010-05-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

The weather outside has been less than spring-like, putting me in no mood to get excited about many things. My mind has also been very stubborn in not allowing me to focus on specific tasks at hand, so instead of accomplishing those tasks, I've taken pictures of my bedroom. My bedroom is quite small so it doesn't allow me at all to capture the whole space of my room. :( I'm dreaming of a bigger bedroom and nicer furnishings in a place that I can call my own one day.. ..

Also that amazing painting I have on my wall is from Canadian artist Angelina Wrona. I first saw her painting by chance and knew that I had to own it. Her art is a little bit on the darker side, but if you know me.. and if you've read through the few posts on my blog.. this sort of stuff really appeals to me.

♥

My framed Angelina Wrona painting on the right, the pictures/posters I have plastered on my wall in attempts to cover up that 'nursery' wallpaper.

A better glimpse of my bed and my tare-panda bear whom I've named 'Baby.'

The foot of my bed showing my TINY closet and clothes rack.

Another view of my closet and the entrance to my bedroom, the door is actually to the right of this picture.

The right-side of my bed, my computer desk, books, dresser, jewelery box and whatever else I may have.

Doubts

2010-04-14T18:27:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Giuliano Beker at One Eyeland.
+A gorgeous picture of Marlene Dietrich.

"A weak man has doubts before a decision. A strong man has them afterwards."

CARL KRAUS

Where are you?

2010-04-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Andreas Stavrinides at One Eyeland.

Somewhere in between the passing of my Grandmother, the new year and a few changes in my life I lost myself again. My motivation, my inspiration, my confidence, the belief that I had in myself all seemed to disappear. I'm not too sure where it all went, but I'm also starting to see how contagious this thing is, its like a disease really. It may not have started with me, but I can see how fast it has spread. People all around me too have shown the symptoms. Maybe its the weather here in Calgary, who knows. One thing I do know is that I have to get my mind out of the gutter. Things could defintely be worse.

This is what I need to do:

1. Stop letting fear threaten me

2. Voice my opinions (even if it may hurt)

3. Be decisive

4. Not be so nice

5. Find inspiration, passion

Happiness

2010-04-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

Image credits to visualize.

"It is misery enough to have once been happy."

JOHN CLARKE

How is it?

2010-04-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Eric Frey at One Eyeland.

How is it that we can become so weak? I hate looking so frail. Some say it is the life experiences that make us stronger. As of this moment.. . I can't seem to agree. Once upon a time I used to be an optomist. Every ending I pictured used to be a happy one. As I grew, the more I saw, the more I felt, the more my outlook dimmed to black skies with gray clouds. Sometimes, I think the only way for me to be happy is if all my days were filled only with misery. I used to believe I was immune to those very things that affected everyone else, but now that I've grown to know about it through my very own experiences, I've learned that is not so.

No matter who we are, what kind of people we are.. .none of us are immune to being weak. There are people that may appear to have an impenetrable barrier, but all people, all heroes and all villains have a weakness. I believe the underyling cause are those moments in life that although minute in nature can leave such a profound impression that it changes a person.

Perhaps it is better to have not known those moments. ..

I've Neglected You.. Once Again.

2010-04-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Flex at Dirtyangels.

"Try again, fail again. Fail better."

SAMUEL BECKET

Fall Back..

2009-12-27T14:49:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Kasper Dahl Finderup at Dirty Angels.

"I retreat and thereby teach her to be victorious as she pursues me. I continually fall back, and in this backward movement I teach her to know through me all the powers of erotic love, its turbulent thoughts, its passion, what longing is, and hope, and impatient expectancy."

SOREN KIERKEGAARD

Hedonistic Pleasures..

2009-12-25T12:50:00.001-08:00

Image credits to Tayfun Cetinkaya.

Also known as the "Pleasure priniciple." It is pursuit of or devotion to pleasure, especially of the senses. In philosophy it is an ethical doctrine that holds only that what is pleasant or has pleasant consequences is intrinsically good. The pleasure principle in psychology is the belief that behaviour is motivated by the desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain.

Life provides us with a multitude of ways in which we can seek gratification through pleasure. I am sure that everyone can recall at least one occassion where a certain desire or void was filled by it. Sometimes though, the pleasure is short-lived and once it is gone.. pain or emptiness surfaces. This simply means that the avoidance of pain, is not entirely possible. Pleasure can lead us to pain.

No single soul will ever be able to be truly 'gratified' through the fulfillment of pleasure, as I have said before.. nothing is really of permanence. I suppose that is how the human experience is. We love even though it may not last for an eternity or even a lifetime. We satisfy our basic, physiological needs only to have to satisfy them again the next day. We long for the physical, to be touched and to be able to feel warmth and yet again once that warmth dissipates we again look for what provided us with it in the beginning.

In short:
We look for pleasure in life for gratification, but pleasure in turn can also lead to pain which is what we have all been trying to avoid according to the pleasure principle... yet we still strive for the hedonistic pleasures of life.

This Behaviour..

2009-12-19T20:47:00.001-08:00

Having a little fun with photoshop.

Is it wrong to take part in behaviour, that by standard-social conventional means can be regarded as self-degrading.. .yet feel satisfied after the fact? There's that feeling you get.. maybe not a high or by any means euphoric, but a sensation that just makes you feel like it was the right thing.

Maybe it's not even about being able to feel that sensation.. maybe it's just about being able to feel.

What Makes Me Better Than You?

2009-12-14T23:34:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Fernando Vicente.

What makes one person better than the other? Are we essentially.. deep down in the core of our flesh and bones, the same? Do we yearn for the same things-- to love and be loved, to endure tests of character to become who we really are, to succeed in life? Definitely. We all want these things, but it's the extent, our passion in and how we attain these things that separate us, make us different.

Some choose to go down a darker, twisted path. Others choose the plainest, simplest route. ..and in making judgements among these individuals about who is better than the other you have to consider the reasons in why they chose to venture down the path that they did. It's all about being able to see that viewpoint for yourself, to be able to look at things at a slightly different angle... because what really makes one person better than the other?

Image credits to Fernando Vicente.

Monster..

2009-12-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Gankina Gala at Dirty Angels.

"Men heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster they call destiny."

JOHN OLIVER HOBBES

The Impossible...

2009-12-08T21:37:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Piotr Stryjewski at One Eyeland.

What I want is the impossible. I can't define to the truest extent what I wish to attain or have a firm grasp of, but I do know that I either want it all or I want no part of it. My standards are way up there, but my expectations are severely lower... there's a big discrepancy here. I'm not even too sure I know how this works.

It's sort of like separating the emotional from the physical. In any experience both are always present (emotional to physical, standards to expectations). For me I guess I've been able to pull the two apart. My standards are fixed and the more I pick them apart to clarify them, the more they've become almost impossible to meet. I suppose my lack or disregard for my expectations allows for the flexibility in this.

If I don't expect too much, maybe I won't be disappointed if those standards are never met.

Do you see this internal conflict of mine?

Today.. .

2009-12-06T00:44:00.001-08:00

It has been a little over a month since my Grandmother passed away.
Today, we made her a new house for the afterlife.. and welcomed her into it.

Getting ready to set the old one on fire.

Burning.

In seconds, consumed by flames.

Then it was gone.

The family, kneeling in prayer.

The 'Masters' giving Grandma's servants some names and naming their duties. The guy servant on the right was named "Gum-Poong" and the girl servant on the left was name "Yook-Mei."

Here's a close up of Grandma's new two-story house.
The house will be kept in its physical entirety, until next year..
in which we will send it into the afterlife for eternity.

Alter Ego.. .

2009-12-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

Alter Ego: Latin for...

Other self.

Another side of oneself.

Intimate and close friend . . .

Seeing into the Future.

2009-12-01T18:37:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Saurabh Dua at One Eyeland.

Everyone has a vision of what they see of themselves at some point in the future. For myself, there were multiple scenarios, but in the end I was always a strong-willed (yet open-minded), determined, hardworking, and appreciative person. As I'm trudging on through life I'm getting more to that point where I can't wait to finally show the world what I'm made of, part of this being attributable to the nearing end of my post-secondary life. Although I'm not officially finished and graduated until 2011.. next year will definitely be a different pace for me, in actually experiencing the working world of finance. I'm excited to be able to actually show what I'm capable of and to finally have something substantial to show for all this hard 'work.'

I'm working on the other areas of 'me' as well. My communication skills are still lacking, although they are far better in comparison to a couple of years ago. I'm working on sustaining relationships, that has definitely been a weakness on my part. I'm the sort of person who's always around when you need me, but I had never been that person thats just 'around.' I'm not too sure of the reasoning behind that, perhaps it's because I'm an introvert.. and need time to myself, but I think I've taken too much time to myself now, I need to make an effort.

I've always been bad at expressing how I felt or just plainly talking about myself. In the back of my mind I've always thought... "Seriously, who's interested?" But I'm learning how to get into the details. If you ask.. I'll answer or at least I'll try. Even if you don't ask, I suppose I should tell you something anyways.

My future is dependent upon myself and my actions and what results is what I make out of it.
I'll show you, world!!

The Best Things Don't Come For Free..

2009-11-30T22:03:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Lionel Deluy at One Eyeland.

The best things don't come for free, nothing does. If there's one thing I learned in school it was in an Economics class with a Russian Professor named 'Sergei'.. that there is no such thing as a 'free lunch.' To get that free lunch there is an opportunity cost, something has to be forgone for you to get it. It could be time, time you could have spent getting something else done or it could have been the opportunity to have a more enjoyable lunch, but at a price paid.

There will always be opportunities open for our taking, but the decision to go for it lies in the cost of other opportunities. The difficulty is in trying to weigh the two when there is no nominal value in which the two can be compared. So we have two opportunities, we take a chance and choose one.. .whether it was the right choice, we won't know and we may never know. Just remember though.. there was a cost, even if it was for 'free.'

Mr. Shadow...Come Play With Me.

2009-11-29T17:08:00.001-08:00

What I kind of did today..and a whole bunch of other things + a polaroid of yours truly. Haha..

Nothing is of Permanence.

2009-11-28T21:53:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Amy Sol.

All our morals, values, opinions, thoughts are never really permanent. Things change as we move through the different stages in life. Life stages have nothing to do with your numerical age, it has something to do with how you feel.. how you act. Our views will change, even if in the most miniscule way.

If you disagree with me on this, you have to think. When you die will anyone remember any of those about you? Most likely not, unless you've contributed in some major way that changed the world, but even so what you have contributed never stays static. Something will always be added and expanded upon or someone will see something fundamentally wrong in a key point and discard it back into nothing.

Have you ever known something that is immune to change? Everything in the world has evolved from one thing or another. ..nothing ever remains the same.

The Desire..

2009-11-28T20:39:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Nizhny Novgorod at Dirty Angels.

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

ANAIS NIN

Just another Anais Nin for you. I love this woman and her ideologies..

I was going to write a post, but couldn't be bothered right now. Next time! Soon.

I disregard..I refuse

2009-11-26T16:50:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Barnabas Toth at One Eyeland.

“I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”

ANAIS NIN

He said.. She said..

2009-11-25T06:16:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Kirichenko Yan at Dirty Angels.

She said tell me when it hurt the most.
He said the pain never stopped.
She said you find pleasure in this suffering?
He lay there beside her, dead silent.
She said what next?
His warm breath brushed her bare skin.
She again said what next?
He said now we live.
She closed her eyes.
His tongue circled her soft pliant flesh.
Her body trembled.
He said there will always be pain, it will always hurt..
But in this moment let me show you how to live.
Let me show you the tastes of rapture.
Her mind spun, she lost all sense of direction.
Her body pulled all ways, twisting and contorting.
She tried to gasp for air.
A sweet release washed over her.
She opened her eyes.
And he was gone.
She smirked at her lone reflection in the window.
One word inaudibly escaped her lips...
'Rapture'.

Something I wrote just for fun.
Have you experienced rapture?

Something Beautiful..

2009-11-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Sergey P. Iron at Dirty Angels.

I have always found things of a darker nature to be charming. I see beauty in things that lay deep beneath the surface. I see beauty in something that is broken, something that is almost perfect, something.. incomplete.

We live in a world where opposites and opposing forces exist. For every good, there is an evil.. Some people live striving for the greater good in mankind. Some people live to create a balance between the two. Some people live to embrace their own evils.

Can you imagine if we lived in a world where we all had the same dreams, the same back stories? The world would be a boring place. I love being able to see something and then wonder why? What is the reason in why they acted this way? What are their underlying intentions?

Isn't there just something so beautiful about a person, object or emotion where everything about it would be absolutely perfect but somehow there is a flaw and it just makes it..better?

I'm not one thats always for happy endings, sometimes the sadder.. alternate version is just more fitting.

When History Repeats itself..

2009-11-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

Image credits to visualize.

I love this day and age where everything can be documented to impeccable accuracy... I was going through a couple of things and somehow I came across a striking similarity between two to three totally unrelated events that have occurred in my life. Perhaps I have always been drawn to this..or maybe this is what I'm supposed to learn my life's lesson from.

It was always in a poem, a song or some other form of false hope. At the time it never seemed obvious, but looking back you could definitely tell where things went wrong. There were big flashing neon signs, everywhere. Each time hurt a little less and each time finally lead to this.

Everything used to be clear and calculated (or so I thought) and I was always hopeful of a particular chance or opportunity.. until finally one day I realized things are better when you don't put 100% into one basket. It's like a stock portfolio, you shouldn't put 100% of your investment into a single company, even blue chips have times of difficulty. You need to diversify, you should invest in different industries, invest in other companies with negative correlations. The mix could be 50, 20,30 or 25, 25, 50.. it's up to you, but never put 100% behind just one thing. It could be bullish now, but you will regret it later.

I no longer live with regrets.
I've learned that change is constant, but really the only thing you can change is yourself.
When history repeats itself.. learn your lesson and move on. It's time to write new history.

To what extent is the truth actually the 'truth'..

2009-11-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

Image credits to original owner, there was no souce cited.

Something that has been stuck in my head for the past week or so are thoughts revolving around this idea of the 'truth.' The truth as we know it is actuality, it is fact. But to what extent is the truth actually the truth? We've all been there. There are some things that are better left unsaid and so we leave them out. Is this still considered as telling the truth? What differentiates this from a lie?

Words can be used in many ways and I don't know, maybe it's because I've witnessed for myself how much one person can deviate from their words (myself included) that I can't come to bring myself in totally believing in people anymore. Is this bad? Maybe. It could probably be categorized as a fault of mine. I'm not going to dimiss it easily though, armed with this fault of mine.. I have no longer been naive in regards to the world.

The world isn't a perfect place and even if you can see something with your own two eyes, you shouldn't have complete faith in it. You need to question it.

Disillusioned.. things are always better in your mind.

2009-11-14T13:37:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Adrian Knopik.

"The paradox of reality is that no image is as compelling as the one which exists only in the mind's eye."

SHANA ALEXANDER

I've always had an imagination that knew no bounds. I could picture anything and everything. I could have the most vivid dreams that I knew not to be real, but felt as if it were. I could build a world full of things that people have never seen or felt. Imagination, fantasy is a wonderful thing as nothing is impossible. Having an imagination was always encouraged and it was the bigger, the more creative.. the better.

The bad thing that no one told you about was that in reality, in real life, nothing will ever be like that. The world that you created, the intensity of what you felt could never be replicated in real life. Maybe it was my own fault in allowing so much of my energy in letting my mind escape into a world of it's own. I've become desensitized to the real world.

In my mind, when I close my eyes..the sensations that I feel are far better than what I have experienced first-hand in reality. The colours that I see, the scents I can smell, the taste, the touch.. Have I expected too much?

Not everyone has to know..

2009-11-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Amber Gray.

"The human heart has hidden treasures,

In secret kept, in silence sealed;

The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,

Whose charms were broken if revealed."

CHARLOTTE BRONTE

Hauntingly Beautiful.

2009-11-13T00:37:00.000-08:00

Playground school bell rings again,
Rain clouds come to play again,
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to,
Hello...

If I smile and don't believe,
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream,
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken,
Hello, I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide,
Don´t cry...

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping,
Hello, I'm still here,
All that's left of yesterday...
Hello

49 days of mourning..

2009-11-08T06:22:00.000-08:00

Image credits to dogfaceboy at Flickr.

It has been a week since my Grandmother passed away. The last few days have been especially hard as we took part in ceremonies of mourning. A lot of people came to pay their respects for my Grandmother. If you've never experienced an asian or chinese funeral or mourning, believe me.. you will never experience anything quite like it.. it's quite intricate in it's processes.

When I saw her for the first time since she passed, I couldn't believe how different she looked. I could barely recognize her. Somehow, she looked smaller and much more fragile than what I can recall of her last. She was dressed in a traditional chinese silk suit. It was black, embroidered with fushia flowers. She had on one of her hats that she always wore, as she always got cold easily. She looked peaceful as if she were sleeping. She was the sweetest, dearest Grandmother and there is no one that can quite compare to her, anyone and everyone that was in her presence loved her.

Honestly, before this.. I never thought too much about what happens after death. For myself, I always hoped that after dying that would be it. After the death of my Grandmother it kind of got me thinking about the infinite possibilities of what could happen. In Christian or Catholic religion it's pretty much either you enter into Heaven or Hell. In Chinese religion, or what my family believes in is a mixture of Buddhism and Taoism. In this, it is believed that the individual basically goes through the trials and tribulations of 'Hell' before they can ascend to Heaven. Most of the rituals performed during the periods of mourning were to help smooth the transition and help my Grandmother on her way.

One particular moment that stands out in my mind and gives me chills running down my spine was during the moment we were 'calling' for my Grandmother to come home (as it's believed that if you pass away from home your soul becomes lost or stranded, my Grandmother passed away at the hospital where she had been staying for the last few months). During this we burned joss paper while reassuring our Grandmother not to be afraid and to come home, at one point where we cried out the loudest, the 'masters'/priest's threw down two shell like things and the way in which it fell confirmed that she had in fact come home. My uncle then had to wipe a wet towel on my Grandmother's face, which was done by wiping her picture that was attached to a memorial 'tablet' in an incense jar.

It was at this point that I think everything just felt soo surreal. I don't know if it was in the way that the priest announced that she had made it home or because I could envision her walking down the path we made for her.. but at that point, I really could feel that she was there. I heard that it usually takes more than one try before a person makes it home, so the fact that we only had to call for her once makes me think that she really is watching and the connection between ourselves and my Grandmother is strong.

Everyone has taken my Grandmother's death pretty hard, but I think its taking a toll harder on my Grandfather, much harder than what anyone imagined. For the first time ever we saw him cry...

Not Enough Time..

2009-11-04T06:40:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Bio[parapente] at Flickr.

There isn't enough time in the day to get things done. I wish there were more hours in the day or that I had enough energy to not need sleep, even better though would be the ability to work at a faster speed. I sometimes wish that I weren't a person that hankers over the slightest details, feeling that I need to envelop everything.

I'm getting better at other things. I feel less anxious and feel less of a need to plan too far ahead. I'm trying to be more proactive in my approach and not be so afraid to show who I am. I'm not a judgemental person and I don't anger easily. I think everyone has their own reasonings for being who they are or why they act a certain way.

I've always been a little indifferent, maybe too indifferent about how I felt and about making decisions or having things my way. It's about time that I stop compromising or letting others take too much control. I'm trying to keep focused on being motivated and having a drive or passion for things in life.

What I see for myself might not be what other's usually see or want, but that's what makes everyone different..Should there be a common denominator between us all? I don't think so and there is a beauty that I see in that.

Mr. Big...

2009-11-03T05:15:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Flickr.

Having an ego is a dangerous thing. Why some people think that they're better than everyone else? I'm not so sure, but everyone has boundaries.. albeit some further out than others. The danger is in thinking that nothing is out of reach. Their vision is compromised. They don't see things in any other way, except for in the way they want to see it.

What they're really getting though, wasn't what they were really after. They will think that way, but it's not true. Most times, I think they don't have a clue. Perhaps this is a defence mechanism, it protects them from what would likely hurt them the most. It would hurt when they get knocked off a peg or two. It would hurt if we took a pin and pierced their bubble. The world as they knew it would no longer be, no one is stroking his ego.

You will never have your way, you never did.

The Truth..

2009-11-02T05:35:00.000-08:00

Image credits to Mackeson on Flickr.

The truth.. you will never fully know.

What to take out of it..

2009-11-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

I have just been through what could possibly be the worst night of my life. I don't have an appetite. I can't eat. My body aches, and not just from the physical bruises, if anything I would rather feel that than the emotional turmoil that I am enduring right now.

This is a part of life. I get it. If I really had a choice, I would have never been a part of this world.

It's just not meant for me. The human experience. ..I'd rather be an object.

I don't really know what I am feeling right now. I don't know what to take out of it.

I said that I needed change, but I was not expecting this kind of change. It's horrible. I can't do anything to change how things ended. I hope she was happy with what we were able to give her.

I suppose now more than ever I have a reason to work harder, a reason to be a different person... the person whom I want to become. I suppose this is my catalyst, my wake-up call into the real world. Things happen, people get used, there's too much suffering.. life experiences is the stuff that either makes us or breaks us. I don't want to be broken.

With the human experience.. you have to experience pain to feel pleasure.

Is this too sadistic? That's life.

I'm going to be a better person.

Temptation..

2009-10-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

Image credits to rosiehardy at Flickr.

" The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it."

OSCAR WILDE

The Answer..

2009-10-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

Image credits to JenniPenni at Flickr

I've been busy with life and the process of prioritizing it right now. It's getting to that point where I've been yearning for drastic change. Have you ever been so sick and tired of the way things are? That's how I feel. I've neglected myself and my aspirations once again. I always seem to get a bright start, but never end up finishing at the point where I want to be.

I'm serious this time. Over the last couple of months or so, I've learnt from a number of people that only you can make things happen. I've always felt that you don't need to or shouldn't depend on people, but I guess that really isn't how life is. Some way or another, you will need someone. I suppose reliance on people is how you grow as a person.

I've always been afraid of taking risks. My biggest problem was being too analytical, I had to know all points of views before making a move. I needed to figure out how to deal with the consequences before they happened. Now, I've been a little more receptive of just jumping into it, you really can't get anywhere if you don't.

There is no point in waiting for a certain amount of time to pass. Your motives won't change.. if you took the leap today or tomorrow. It still remains the same.

The answer is either yes or no.

..Who will I be today?

On a little trip..

2009-09-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago my sister and I went to Edmonton to visit some family and just to hang around. While we were there we stopped by West Ed., of course! I wanted to go on a shopping spree, but I'm such a picky shopper.. you have no idea. I ended up purchasing only a pair of leggings from Zara and A sale shirt/dress from Urban Outfitters.. that I plan on turning into a shorter top. The highlight of purchases though would be the new nail colours that we picked up and a Polaroid camera!!

I wish we would have gotten more colours, now that I think about it.

Here's the Polaroid camera that we purchased. My sister and I were soo devasted that they were getting rid of it so as soon as we got our hands on this we couldn't pass on this opportunity...Apparently the pack of film that we got with it was one of the last produced at the factory in 2008.

On the film package it reads that Urban Outfitters is trying to reinvent instant photography and is trying to bring back instant film in 2010. This is quite exciting if it is made possible. ..Visit http://the-impossible-project.com/ for more information.

I haven't had the chance to test this baby out yet...I suppose I'll save it for a special occasion.

If the world went silent..

2009-09-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

Image credits to __multifaceted at Flickr.

I wonder how different the world would be if we lived in a silent world. A world with no knowledge of spoken words. A world without definitive definitions. It would be a different world. I think it would be a world full of emotion, a more vivid, a more intense kind of emotion. The kind where the touch of someone's warm skin can send a million ripples cascading through your body and leave you with an impression so deep that it is not so easily forgotten.

It would be a world where love between lovers would grow and thrive in such a way that every little detail would not go unnoticed, that is how their love would grow deeper. Unrequited love.. there would be no such thing. I believe that unrequited love stems from not being able to express how you genuinely feel towards the one you hold affections for. In this world, this silent world, there are no words to communicate. It would all be in the way the air changes when it is just the two of them. There would be a tenderness, a softening of the space that separates them. It would be this very thing that expresses the love that achingly harbours in that lone heart.

In this silent world people would care, people would take the time to notice.. and with that the hurt of pain would be dulled. It would be a world where everyone would be affected by events, big or small.

It would be a better world.

I've always said that I would have no problems if I were to live out the rest of my life in silence, without ever uttering another word. ..

What about you?

Beauty in Deception

2009-09-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

Image credits to jeanet at Flickr.

"I thought to myself with what means, with what deceptions, with how many varied arts, with what industry a man sharpens his wits to decieve another, and through these variations the world is made more beautiful."

FRANCESCO VETTORI

Summer reading..Erotic Literature, Erotica

2009-09-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

During the summer I have had plenty of time to read. I usually don't go for fiction, but when I saw Anaïs Nin's, Delta of Venus in the clearance section I had to pick it up. I love her style of writing. There's something in the way she uses her words that are so eloquent, so classy in describing the physical pleasures that is erotica. Delta of Venus is a collection of stories. Anaïs Nin definitely explores various extremes of the erotic, from sculptors and artist's who seek pleasure in the art they produce or replicate to lesbian affairs, hermaphrodites, and fears of the female genitalia.

I had read those cheap paperback, romance novels that are riddled with pages describing the sex the protagonist usually ends up having with a secondary character, but none of that compares to Anaïs Nin's works. I suggest you read some of them.

The second book, Bitten was purchased after Delta of Venus. It's again a collection of erotic stories, but as you can see in the picture..it's of dark, erotic stories. This one was a very interesting read. The stories are written by various authors and edited by Susie Bright. The first story is titled 'The Devil's Invisible Scissors' written by Sera Gamble (who, coincidently is a producer and writer for one of my favourite shows 'Supernatural'). The title alone should intrigue you, if not however, other stories include blood-thirsty roses and invisible entities that know how to please and make great lovers.

Regrets

2009-09-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Jearvi at Flickr.

"Sooner or later in life we all have to make a choice between remorse for having done too much and regret for not having done enough . . . . The most painful regrets are those you feel in realizing that you have let an opportunity escape you through sheer laziness; and the most unbearable remorse results from hurting somebody you love."

GENEVIEVE ANTOINE DARIAUX

This word 'Love'....

2009-09-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

Image credit to Stephen.James at Flickr.

I have been nostalgic, a little of late.. mainly due to seeing a familiar face and being reminded of a certain window of time in the past. I am absolutely sure I have never experienced love, but I have experienced different kinds of emotions in trying to attain this thing.

Some people believe that there is one individual, the other half, a soul-mate.. 'the one'. I am not one of those people. When I was a younger girl, sure, I dreamed of finding this perfect person who would sweep me off my little feet and treat me like a princess.. now that I'm older I see things a lot differently. I think there is always a possibility you can fall in love with the next person. If 'love' had a definitive defintion I would say that it is: sacrifice, compromise, trust, dedication, and commitment. I don't think love is perfect and I also believe that you can love someone more than another.

I don't know if I've ever come close, but often times I wonder. I wonder how things could have been if it did happen, how differently everything would feel. Would my perspective of the world change? Would I see things in a new light? I'm not so sure. .. and because of this I often think, 'what if' ?

Again, I reiterate the fact that I have never been in love. Love as described in all it's splendour in various pieces of art and poetry is still something I find difficult. Love is a game, a game called seduction. It's a tricky thing. There will always be the pursuer, the one who wants it and there will always be the one to be pursued. There are no real rules to the game, but it will always leave someone raw and exposed.

Image credits to wwarby at Flickr

I often associate seduction with the likes of a snake. The snake as the pursuer often slithers it's way to it's awaiting prey where it carries on unaware and without the slightest clue of the snake or it's motives. The snake hisses and flicks it's tongue in and out, producing undetectable, inaudible words to soften the prey. Before long, the prey will come eye to eye with the snake and for a moment time stops. There is a choice to be made, either to run or stand still. Too late, it doesn't matter what choice was made. The snake strikes swiftly and it's fangs are now deep in the flesh. The poison, the venom has been released and is now coursing it's way through. That is the ultimate seduction, love is the poison.

The process of seduction is where the real danger lays. You will never fully know the true intentions of the pursuer. What is it that they want? Is it just a return of their affections? Do they wish to be loved by you in the way they love you? Is it because they see nothing but a new challenge? What are their real feelings? What is the truth? What's fallacy? It's hard to make these out, everything seems to be blurred.

Image credits to cariephoto at Flickr.

Love and seduction requires maniupulation. The slightest look, expression, the gentlest touch, caress, the way words are spoken, the tone of voice that is indicative of something; these are all done to manipulate. Someone is always in control, someone who knows what's really going on.

There are different types of love, different degrees of feelings. I have only tasted the very beginnings of seduction, but have never reached the ultimate point.

This is what I have observed of 'love'...

Admiration...

2009-08-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

Image credits to Kent Lørent at Flickr.

"All human beings are actors who long to be applauded: the ambitious by the entire world, the modest by only a few, the wise by themselves alone."

GENEVIEVE ANTOINE DARIAUX

Memories of Vegas

2009-07-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is exactly, but I will definitely visit Vegas again. There was just so much to do and see that even being there for a whole week was not enough! The second time around though I think I'd like to enjoy more shopping, food and entertainment.

So as I promised here are some pictures!

We stayed at the Stratosphere. It was quite affordable. We managed to book round trip tickets and a week stay for around $500. There wasn't too much you could do inside the hotel, but it was pleasant for what it was. It definitely surpassed my expectations of it.

Luckily we ran into the right guy when we were walking the strip. He seriously had ALL the free pass/drink bracelets for the club. If we hadn't run into him , I don't think we would have gone to too many clubs. The experience was so worth it minus the having to pay for tables to sit down :(.

All the shopping bags are from the Premium Outlets, a lot of good shopping there!

Here's us at the end of our first night clubbing at Jet at the Mirage. It wasn't my favourite, but still fun.

We rented out a hummer limo to take us around for about an hour and then to our favourite place, Tao! The food was absolutely amazing, the drinks were awesome and the staff/servers were the best. I don't think any of us had recieved such an amazing server experience than the one we had that night. We even had to get a picture with our server Josh. He was seriously AMAZING and so sweet. He even recognized us on the last night we went back to have dinner. If you ever eat there ask for him! We were pretty stuffed after all that food, but still wanted dessert. We opted for some sake. I've been craving that particular one every now and then. It's the Harushika 'Tokimeki,' sparkling Junmai. If I ever find this in Calgary..

This day was full of adventures. Jeri and I woke up early to get the group tickets for a show and it was HOT. The whole week we were there, the heat wasn't too bad. It was pretty manageable, but wow.. when we got to the ticket place they were even handing out umbrella's and water! That evening we were on our way to the Wynn for Tryst, which ended up being closed that night. Since Tryst was closed, a guy named 'Rodriguez' directed us to XS. It was hilarious, we were having such a HARD time pronoucing his name, with the roll of the tongue.

We didn't get to enjoy XS too much, since it was soo hot and we were not allowed inside where the AC was. No one was dancing or anything so we ended up going back to the hotel to order room service and getting free champagne.. that no one really drank.

Vegas was insane. There's soo much to see and do.

I love it.

Sketching..

2009-07-10T22:14:00.000-07:00

I'm such an amateur at drawing/sketching, if you can even call it that. ..but it's something that I'm interested in. It's something just for fun.

Here's a couple of my 'works.'

One of my first ones.

Man-body.

Had some fun colouring with markers.

My latest one. My favourite. It's the one I used in my banner. I'm tempted to colour it, but I'm scared it will get ruined.

Curiousity...

2009-07-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

I guess this is the first "official" week of summer. I've always counted the first week of July as the beginning of summer.. for some odd reason.

I still haven't applied for jobs yet or anything, even though I'm starting to feel a little pressured from my mom. I just want to enjoy the time that I have right now and get some of my priorities sorted out.

I'm going through another one of those 'growing up/self-discovery' phases again. I've always started something, but never actually set out to finish them. This time around though, I'm determined. I actually started writing in this black book, which I got for free from H&M, a year ago, of some goals or objectives that I wished to accomplish sometime during my life. I'm continually adding to it and have actually accomplished a few, but I hope in the next couple of years I will have more than a few pages or sections crossed out. They include things that have to do with the future, like my career, where I see myself, material objects that I wish to possess, and fantasies, which may never be acted upon.. but are still good to have. That book repressents all that my imagination allows of me.

The little black book.

Some of the contents within.

Goodbye Vegas..until next time, my friend :(

2009-07-06T00:06:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Vegas and I definitely miss it. In fact, I think I'm already even starting to plan my next trip there.

Who knew I would grow this sort of attachment? I think I loved Vegas more than I did Hawaii. This may be partly due to the fact that Hawaii was a family trip composed of a group of 25 people. Transportation was horrible (with the amount of people we had) and to make matters worse it was a cruise.. so I was seasick for a major portion of it towards the end. There is also definitely a limit to how much 'all you can eat' buffet-style and dinner food served.

Vegas, on the other hand.. there was 5 of us girls and 1 boyfriend (for a very brief period of time). It was definitely a different kind of experience.

I loved, Loved.. LOVED it.

Good thing was that we ran into the right kind of people so we definitely got into the clubs free. I have to admit, I was a little worried about the cover prices of $20-$40. Those types of cover prices are not something I'm used to seeing, here in Calgary. Some clubs were worth it, some not. If we had to pay for some of those...I think I would have been quite dissapointed.

The clubs we hit up, in order of what we went to:

1. Jet at the Mirage

Credit: clubzone.com

2. Tao at the Venetian

Credit: clubzone.com

3. XS at Encore (Originally wanted to go to Tryst at the Wynn)

Credit: clubzone.com

4. Lavo at the Palazzo

Credit: clubzone.com

5. Pure at Caesars Palace

Credit: clubzone.com

*From this list, Pure is ranked first. I'm not sure whether it was because it was the one we ended up going to on our last night there.. or because that was the only place where there were noticably cuter guys and hotter girls. But the place was quite nice and the floor didn't seem as packed as the other places. ..but just a warning if you are planning to go here... make sure to go early as the line-ups are hugee.. when we left around 2ish to catch our limo.. people were still lining up to get in.

We were there for a total of 8 days and 7 nights, double of what others usually stay and we still did not have enough time to use ALL the passes and free-drink bracelets. We all also felt that we didn't have enough time to do all we wanted.. I guess that's what is getting us to go back, some time in the future. Sometime soon.. I hope. :)

Expect a few more posts on Vegas!!..and pictures!

Summertime.

2009-06-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

I absolutely, most definitely, love the summer. There's just something about the summer air that makes you feel alive and makes you feel as if there is nothing that you can not accomplish.

My summer vacation has started a little later because the previous two months had been dedicated to taking spring classes, which seemed to pass by quite quick. I'm glad for that.

Right now, I'm currently living through the last week of classes and finals and after all of this year's suffering... myself, my sister and some wonderful girlfriends are headed to VEGAS to celebrate.

This trip has been in the making for at least 1.5 years, that long period of time included:

a) Saving money.

b) Turning 21.

...the MORE important part being the 'turning 21.'

I am quite excited as this is our FIRST, real, GROWN-up vacation together. .. we depart NEXT Wednesday morning on June 24th.

I simply can't wait. I'm not 100% sure if VEGAS will live up to my expectations of it, but I'm sure we'll be able to find an adventure. Shopping is at the top of the list. We'll also be doing some site-seeing at the Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam. Eat at swanky restaurants, and experience the night-life.

OF COURSE. The nightlife! I'm thinking this part may be my highlight of the trip.

High Heels.

2009-05-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

"High-Heels."

I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I hadn't worn heels to work (when I was employed) for a long time. Truthfully, I think it's been more than a year.

It has been more than a year that I have worn heels as part of my wardrobe or simply just as 'shoes.' I used to have a passion for wearing heels, more particularly boots, until I discovered the comfort of ballet flats.

Many women, myself included believe that high-heels when worn properly can make a world of a difference in everything. The moment you set foot in a pair of heels there is almost a 'newfound' confidence that exudes from within, even when you're not a naturally confident person.

It forms a posture that is much more appealing to the eyes--in the shape of a woman. It makes you stand taller, with the appropriate amount of arch in the small of your back.

In the eyes of men or even in the eyes of women, there is always something extremely appetizing about a woman in heels. There's just something about it that commands attention and desires to be looked at.

For me, I always loved hearing the 'clicking' sounds the heel made against the pavement.

I think it's time to retrain my uncalloused feet....

Goodbye colours.

2009-05-25T13:43:00.001-07:00

Now that I've moved on from working in fashion/retail and headed towards the business world, I need a new hair do.

For the past 3 or 4 years the colours in my hair were my trademark. The majority of the time it was either purple, pink or red.

I'm going to miss having those sorts of colours, but alas it has to be one of those things that I give up in order to succeed in the business world.

Unfortunately the business world is conservative in looks and in dress. In order to keep the tone of conservatism and professionalism I will have to come up with a new look and trademark.

I need to book an appointment with the hairstylist.

As to a new trademark.. I have no idea! Make-up? Style?

Hmmm...

I suppose I'll have the whole summer to work on this... being unemployed and all.

My final day.

2009-05-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

After 3.5 years of devotion and pondering over numerous times, "Should I quit?" I FINALLY did it.

It was time. I grew tired of working in the retail industry, it was fun and exciting at first but my passion simply faded away.. it started when I stopped wearing heels to work. I suppose it was like a relationship, in a way. The chemistry simply just dimmed when I stopped trying to look good.

I feel as though nothing has changed though. I expect an empty feeling to overcome me, much like a break-up would in the next few days. I can't say if I'll miss working for the company, but I will definitely miss the discounts and wonderful friends and people that I have met. Every single individual that I have met through this job has taught me soo much.. and I will definitely never forget them, I'll try my best to keep in contact though.. but I have to admit that is one of my weak points.

3.5 years is a significant time of my life, it was my first, real job. I learned a lot there about who I was. I'm definitely a hard-worker and consider myself to have great work-ethic. I also learned that I need to learn how to communicate and recognize my self-worth, in what value I bring to them. There have been more than several occassions where I have almost been.. what's the word, used?

I started the job after a frustrating attempt at post-secondary at the university. I wasn't ready for it, so within my first term of post-secondary I had withdrawn from four courses and practically wasted $4000.00. But it was for the best.

After starting the job, I realized I enjoyed fashion a lot... and even eventually thought about going to design school and either climbing up the corporate ladder in the company or starting a little something of my own (which still lurks in the back of my mind, but who doesn't have this dream?).

Eventually it lead me to go back to school, it lead me to studying Finance, and just let me clarify that what I am studying is not to become an Accountant. I get super peeved when people think my objective is to be an Accountant. Don't ask me why. But yes.. finance is something I really enjoy, what better job is there than making money to make money?

Things I will not miss:

1) Being yelled at by customers for implementing H.O. exchange/return policies.

2) Telling people that I can't take the item back because it has been worn and soiled or altered.

2) People stealing.

3) Cleaning up after people. (People can be pretty disgusting! Oh the stories.. I could tell.)

4) Kids playing dress-up.

5) Dealing with people who have no manners.

Like my supervisor said, "It's like an end of an era."

A little about me.

2009-05-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

I started this blog earlier in the year to write on what was to become of me as I transition through life. I have failed to remain commited to the writing, so I am starting over.

A little introduction about myself, I'm a 21 year old girl, although at times I feel I could be over 30, trying to transition into a real woman. You can call me Karen or you can call me Yen or even Karen-Yen. I have a little bit of an identity crisis..as you can tell.

I have always been labelled as the quiet, shy or nice girl and quite frankly, I'm tired of all those things. I do have a side of me that others rarely get to see.. it's a little dark, somewhat strange. I like to question things, and I seem to live in a world of contradiction.

There is no real consistent theme to my blog.. it'll be a place I can come to explore and learn how to express all the other sides of me, a place to share interests and any other random thoughts to write about.