I Always Knew..

Image credits to Sam Weber.

What you don't know won't hurt you. Is this really true? From the beginning I wasn't going into it naively. I wasn't going into it blind. I knew how this world worked. Nothing -- no one is a for sure thing. Words spoken can't be believed -- couldn't be believed. My walls were up. I was cautious. I always knew. Yet, somehow, little by little I started to believe. Minds and thoughts can't be read. Even one's own mind could not be deciphered accurately. I have tried and I still do not understand.

At one point my doubts had been stomped out and a fragile ladder was thrown over to let you climb in. It could break at any moment. Still, somehow you made it over. I was curious of your sincerity. It was never 100%, but it was honest.. at least I had thought so. Was it wrong for me to have? I will be honest. I have grown bitter with each day that passes. You can't stand in the sunlight forever, you can't feel the warmth forever.. maybe it had all been my imagining. My world beyond the walls are dark.. . from the exterior I'm a simple being. I look happy, I look content, I seem indifferent most days..

Maybe I had only been seeing things in the way I had wanted to see them. I was telling myself a story, a story that isn't real. Playing a part that I always wanted to act. I never had you.. and I always said no one would have me, fully.. and yet somehow it feels as if I had given every bit of what was me unto you. The size of me is not large, in fact, I fit snugly in the size of your palm. There may not seem to be much there, but there is depth. The further you wander within, the more you take your time to reflect on the details.. you will be appreciative, you will be intrigued. Some have the patience, the stomach for me. Most do not, many pretend.. you eventually fell into the later category. ..

I am far from a simple minded person. My insides are twisted in every which way and it would take more than a lifetime to navigate through. I will never fully understand you and you will never fully understand me. It is your turn to be honest with me now. You cannot say that I give you these things, when I have not.. and it shows. Maybe I should be pleased that you pretended, at least you tried, in a way. Please do not flatter me with words that are naked and have no meaning. I don't want to hear it. Just tell me how it is. Should I have not let my curiosity arise within me? Should I have just taken everything as you had said so? I would not hurt this way if that were so, but it is better that I now know the extent of your sincerity. Your truths. It is possible, the level of sincerity has matured since the beginning, but I cannot believe. Not anymore. I'm not sure I know how. But now that I know, I will know better next time.. if ever there will be one.