Days Go By

 Image credits to Ciaa at Deviant Art.

Where does time go? Growing up it seemed as though one year took forever to come by. As a little girl, I was always excited about school starting and then I was excited for school to end for summer vacation. Now, as an adult that same year literally disappears quicker than we can recall what happened. Life definitely catches up to you in the real world. Work, family, friends, relationships, self... I never knew that there was such a balancing act. You can never balance one without neglecting another. This is what I have learned in the last year. 

The saying is true, that there is never enough hours in the day to do everything. When will I ever have the time to travel and see the world? When will I have time to see my friend? When will I have time to contemplate the bigger things in the world? What about the small things? When will I ever be able to perfect my craft or talents? When can I learn to do those things that I have always wanted to learn? You cannot plan for these things. This is what I have come to realize. I have come to realize that plans (no matter how detailed) may never be effective. I think the only thing that you can do is to actually DO them. 

Don't tell yourself you will do it tomorrow. What are you doing RIGHT now? Do it NOW instead. This is going to be my mantra for the New Year. Plans don't work, self-help books don't work, therapy, good advice..none of these will work unless we actually take action to DO them..and with this I am going to leap into the new year. What will come of it? We will have to wait and see. ..

You Lost Me

Somewhere along the way, you lost me. There is a reason for everything. I no longer see the reason. There never was one. What I saw.. or thought I saw was a lie. A fabrication knitted from a web of insecurities and for conveniences sake. It was all a lie. 

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

I Always Knew..

Image credits to Sam Weber.

What you don't know won't hurt you. Is this really true? From the beginning I wasn't going into it naively. I wasn't going into it blind. I knew how this world worked. Nothing -- no one is a for sure thing. Words spoken can't be believed -- couldn't be believed. My walls were up. I was cautious. I always knew. Yet, somehow, little by little I started to believe. Minds and thoughts can't be read. Even one's own mind could not be deciphered accurately. I have tried and I still do not understand.

At one point my doubts had been stomped out and a fragile ladder was thrown over to let you climb in. It could break at any moment. Still, somehow you made it over. I was curious of your sincerity. It was never 100%, but it was honest.. at least I had thought so. Was it wrong for me to have? I will be honest. I have grown bitter with each day that passes. You can't stand in the sunlight forever, you can't feel the warmth forever.. maybe it had all been my imagining. My world beyond the walls are dark.. . from the exterior I'm a simple being. I look happy, I look content, I seem indifferent most days..

Maybe I had only been seeing things in the way I had wanted to see them. I was telling myself a story, a story that isn't real. Playing a part that I always wanted to act. I never had you.. and I always said no one would have me, fully.. and yet somehow it feels as if I had given every bit of what was me unto you. The size of me is not large, in fact, I fit snugly in the size of your palm. There may not seem to be much there, but there is depth. The further you wander within, the more you take your time to reflect on the details.. you will be appreciative, you will be intrigued. Some have the patience, the stomach for me. Most do not, many pretend.. you eventually fell into the later category. ..

I am far from a simple minded person. My insides are twisted in every which way and it would take more than a lifetime to navigate through. I will never fully understand you and you will never fully understand me. It is your turn to be honest with me now. You cannot say that I give you these things, when I have not.. and it shows. Maybe I should be pleased that you pretended, at least you tried, in a way. Please do not flatter me with words that are naked and have no meaning. I don't want to hear it. Just tell me how it is. Should I have not let my curiosity arise within me? Should I have just taken everything as you had said so? I would not hurt this way if that were so, but it is better that I now know the extent of your sincerity. Your truths. It is possible, the level of sincerity has matured since the beginning, but I cannot believe. Not anymore. I'm not sure I know how. But now that I know, I will know better next time.. if ever there will be one.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellow stands or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally woman,
That's me.

MAYA ANGELOU

You Think You Know Me?

"What does that mean know me, know me, nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me. "

BRET EASTON ELLIS

I d a r e you to say that again.. ... . it hurts.

Love.. an Open-Ended Topic

Watch the video..

Love is mysterious, love changes things and I think that is the reason why it is a topic that is always pondered upon. A topic that remains open for discussion. Love is in everything. It is most often what every soul lingers on earth for and longs to find, no matter how hard one denies it. In the past I often expressed my hardness and distaste to the thoughts of love and being in love. I often equated it as being a sort of game whom one would get to claim a 'prize.' Love was a drug, it was venomous.. it was poison. I had heard that love was a sort of madness. A state of insanity. All of the above named are true. Love does many things, good and bad. I've made observations when I stood solo with no one to fill the space in my heart, and I have made observations, more recently with having someone consume the most vulnerable part of the human.

Love is not a perfect thing. I have known this forever. Marriage is not a perfect thing, and does not guarantee a happily ever after. Everything of what love is portrayed in cinema is not real. Love in that sense and meaning have been glamorized and glossed over countless times. The endings often used to conclude the story were presumed to be final. They would ride off into the sunset and that was it.. living in the utmost happiness and love. The truth though, may be that the happiness wore away and the love eventually died. Love does not remain constant, as the quote in my post below has stated. Nothing ever really remains constant, as I have mentioned before...

Love is a whole complication on its own. It is something that can bring at the same time so much warmth yet bring upon such coldness and hurt. Love makes us weak. Love makes us strong. Love is a main component to life. It serves to teach, but at what point do you give in to love? At what point do you walk away? Sometimes you know at the very exact moment when love is real, other times that love needs to be reaffirmed. How can love be proven if it is not a tangible thing? Perhaps in the kiss, touch, caress or that look of never-ending wonderment in examining the imperfect features of the one in question.. and somehow always finding them to be beautiful. Perhaps it is in the actions, in the little things that one does or the things that have no significance to yourself but mean so much to that one person. Love is not perfect. As we have all heard, it is compromise, sacrifice and the ability to bend ourselves in all sorts of directions. But at times love is not enough, sometimes love is never enough. . . . What will make you stay? What will make you go?

"I'm through with love
I'll never fall again
Said adieu to love
Don't ever call again
For I must have you or no one
That's why I'm through with love

I've locked my heart
I keep my feelings there
I have stocked my heart
Like an icy Frigadere
For I need to care for no one
That's why I'm through with love

Why did you lead me
To think that you cared
You didn't need me
For you have your share
Of slaves around you
To hound you and swear
Their deep devotion
Emotion

Goodbye to Spring
And all it meant to me
It could never bring
The things that used to be
For I must have you or no one
That's why I'm through with love

That's why I'm through with love... "

Ebb and Flow of Life.. of Love.. of Relationships

Image credits to Cade Martin at One Eyeland.

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern."

ANNE LINDBERG

I can't for the life of me remember where I read this, but there is nothing but truth in these words.
You can love someone but you certainly can't love them all the time.

Fallen Heart Feeling

Image credits to Timothy Gonzalez.

"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice"

CHUCK PALAHNIUK

Busy ..Busy Bee

I've been soo caught up in between studying for school, projects and writing licensing exams for work that I have been neglecting my blog, social life any many a sort of other things. I promise I will try to keep on top of this once again.. after all it is a connection to myself and my innermost thoughts in the never ending quest to discover the person that is me.

Grandma

Photos of my grandparents when they were younger.

It has been one whole year since my grandmother passed away and in that short period of time so much has changed. No matter what...you will always have that feeling that there was more that you could have, more that you should have done, but in reality it seems as though this epiphany never seems to cross your mind or motivate you to take action until you finally realize that you can't or that it is now too late.

In the recent years I never spent much time with my Grandma, but when I was younger she practically raised me when my parents worked to make a better life for my siblings and I. When my mom went back to work after having me she often left me for the week with my grandmother and would then come get me on the weekend. My mom always said that I would never want to leave my grandma because I had spent so much time with her, so much so that I didn't even want to be held by my own mother.

Losing my grandmother has made me realize some of the importance in prioritizing the things in my life and has also prompted me to look further into my family history. My family, as with so many others have traveled from far off places to be where we are today and in between is often rich history, traditions and things that we would often not know of. I would love to embark on a project somewhere along the lines of a family tree/history book. This would be something I would love to have within the family and passed on from generation to generation. These memories and legacies have to be preserved. Now I know more than ever that knowing where you come from, knowing what a part of you is is something that cannot be overlooked. Knowing this will lead to a better understanding of what you are and oddly enough a sense of pride which I've only now come to appreciate.


Grandpa and Grandma at a Wedding 10+ years ago..


Grandma's resting place at the Queen's Park Cemetary.